I’m waiting for a poop. I know that’s probably not what you’d expect me to write, but it’s the truth.
My dog ate the nose of my son’s super-sweet, stuffed animal fox and it has/had this hard, plastic “nose” that I’ve been awaiting to materialize itself out the other end. Adding to this predicament is that fact that we’ll be away from our local vet over the holidays.
Isn’t it always at the craziest, most hectic time of year that these things happen?
I’ve been thinking a lot about this phenomena – where the shit all hits the fan at once (sorry, we’re going to have to go with the pun because you need to laugh at a time like this). Every year, I promise THIS will be the year that I slow down, live more intentionally and all of that… And the truth is, it’s all still crazy and messy. I haven’t slowed down – but I do feel more intentional. I’ve been trying to build more margin into my life while also growing an acceptance (if that’s the right way to say it) that this phase of my life is going to be hectic.
Acceptance has allowed me to feel more joyful in the mess, knowing that perfection isn’t what’s required of me. I’ve also been more conscientious of the time that I take to be with my family and acknowledge that space as “good”, regardless of length or quality of the time spent. I used feel that whatever I gave them, it wasn’t enough or wasn’t good enough. I’m been trying to pat myself on what back for what I am able to do and that’s made a world of difference for me. It is enough and it is good, because it’s what I am capable of now, in this moment.
For example, I took the morning off today and spent it with my younger kiddo at his school. After we got home, I handed him over to dad and went to work. No guilt. Writing those words – that I might feel guilty for passing him off to his dad after I spent the whole morning at his school - sounds crazy, but honestly, in the recent past I kept feeling like whatever I did, it was never enough.
Example Number Two: I haven’t made a photo album in TWELVE years. We have no family photos on the walls. None. Which of course equates to being a bad, bad parent… Lately, I’ve been trying to flip that thinking on its head. Maybe, for us, we’re so busy in the doing that we haven’t had a chance to make those albums. And maybe that’s okay.
Balance is elusive when you think of it in the short run. I’m taking the long view. Each year I make a vision board to map out what I’m opening up to in the year ahead. Last year, there was this rough looking cowboy guy, wrangling a snake on the end of this (snake catching device?) metal stick – he was front and center in the board. I think he came to tell me to grab the things that I’m most scared of and say, fuck it – you got this.
So – what am I most scared of? It’s the idea of time – running out of time. Not having enough time. That mentality has put me on this hamster wheel of looking out toward the future, trying to make time, create time, buy time, whatever – instead of enjoying what’s right here, right now. This year I worked hard at grabbing that snake and staring it down. The result? I’m hanging out, waiting for my dog to take a shit and not really freaking out about the “what if” – like “what if she needs emergency surgery on Christmas eve?”
I’m feeling a wee bit more relaxed, a wee bit less of a control freak. It’s kind of nice.
And yet, I still hope she takes a crap soon.